Ephesians 6:4 “And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath; but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”.

As an African American father having a 16 year old son, I find it challenging to talk to him at times, to really have a discussion about his week at school, home, his friends, his worries and concerns. It is especially hard since he and his sister live an hour away with their mother and I see them every other weekend.

So when I pick them up I start off with a smile. Smiles are strange things for some men; Wekevia defines a smile as a ”facial expression characterized by an upward curving of the corners of the mouth and indicating pleasure, amusement or derision”. To many Black men a smile is sometimes portrayed as weakness, but why is weakness associated with a symbol of acceptance, love and pride?

Children interpret 85% of their communication with the father or father figure in their lives by non-verbal gestures. When you break it down, “most communication is actually non-verbal. This means that factors like posture, facial expression, hand movement, and eye contact play a significant role in communicating” (4parenting.gov). As men we rarely verbally express to our sons how we feel; stated in 1 John 3:18,” My little children let us not love inward, neither (with) tongue, but in deed and truth”. A response is faster through the physical messages that we as men give as opposed to the verbal responses we project. Since we model for our sons, the author K. Harris of Prince, The Future King series states, “fathers are critically important to their children’s well being and are a role model for their sons.” It is widely known how important fathers are in the lives of their children; statistics abound with data on how fathers affect discipline, academic achievement, and social relationships. My father was not in my life so I did not get a foundation for communicating as a young man, so I watched other fathers with their sons to learn how to be a good communicator to my son. This taught me how to communicate from a multicultural perspective since that is the world we live in. This coincides with the writings in Proverbs 4:1 which states, “Hear ye children the instruction of a father and attend to know understanding”. Men, teach your children that you will guide them and nurture them, but not lead them down the wrong paths.

The interactivity of a father and son can range in emotions from respectful, happy, joyous, awkward, rebellious or confrontational. Smiles and hugs can defuse a possible confrontational situation and confirm feeling of love, respect and acceptance. Our interaction with our son(s) should come with either a hug, a smile, a pat on the back, and or words of encouragement not cussing, physical violence and the denigration of their inner spirituality. Our children like us are spiritual beings that need guidance and opportunities to grow. Stated in Blacknews.com (2006), “Child research has consistently demonstrated that loving, involved fathers are beneficial to the health, education and welfare of their children. When fathers are absent from the home or uninvolved in the learning and developmental process children suffer”. As a teacher at an elementary school and a professor at a local community college I see the results of the lack of a father figure in many homes. This is not to say that mothers are not doing a good job, on the contrary many are doing an excellent job, but a mother is challenged in teaching a son or sons how to be a man in today’s world.

In modifying discipline and addressing behavioral challenges, smiles are used to reinforce learning outcomes and redirect inappropriate behavior. What child would want a smack down instead of a smile and a hug? Discipline works better when it is proactive by addressing positive behaviors before hand not just reacting to negative behaviors when they occur. Research has shown that it does not matter the ethic background of the child so there is no “White” way or “Black” way to discipline. I have been told on several occasions that I treat my children like they are white by talking to them and providing positive reinforcement instead of beating the he** out of them. My reply to this statement is, “slavery has been over for many years, it is time to stop the slave mentality of trying to beat our youth into submission”. Do we challenge our children’s behavior through the use of fear or love? When will the generational mentality (slave mentality) change to help our children grow into positive and productive adults? Stated during an NEA convention in 2006 to fathers nation wide, “.. tell your children how much you admire their good qualities... Listening to your children and talking with them and not at them are all rewards, the kind that you can give hundreds of times every day”.

Stated in 1John 3:11, “…for this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another”. We have to remember that our teenage sons want the same things that we as adult men want, to be respected and loved. They must be taught to respect and how to love and trust. Trust comes in many forms and fashions, when reading Ephesians 4:25, “wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor: for we are members one of another”. So men unite in a common quest to raise our sons whether you are in the home or not and accept the responsibilities that we have as contributors of life. To speak truth to our sons and to each other, in Ephesians 4:29 states, “let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that may minister grace unto the hearers.” The hearers and those that witness our actions are our children waiting for a word from their fathers, a word of truth, a word of respect, a word of acceptance and love followed by a smile and a hug.

William Jackson
william.jackson@ewc.edu
http://williamdjackson.tripod.com/
“Copyright William Jackson.
All Rights Reserved 2008."

Proven Strategies For Fathers When Communicating With Your Son

1. Talk to your son(s) openly and honestly, develop a mutual level of trust and respect. Resist the temptation to be critical of their actions.

2. Listen to your son(s) when they talk to you. Refrain from giving advice every time, but guide the discussion so they can form decisions for themselves and problem-solve using critical thinking skills.

3. Talk to your son(s) about the importance of love, affection, devotion, trust and treating people with respect.

4. Talk to your son(s) about your values and by what foundation it is built on; church, family stability, a strong work ethic and importance of education. These are different for each of us.

5. Ask your child about what they think about community issues and watch the news together.

6. Learn your child’s language. Preteens and teens speak using various terms and abbreviations. Learn what they are so you can better communicate on their level sometimes. Don’t just talk about sex, have discussions on drugs, alcohol (alcohol contributes to sexual intercourse), smoking and peer pressure. One survey showed that almost 1 out of 4 teens that had sex say they used drugs or drank alcohol the last time they had sex.

7. Teens who drink are seven times more likely to have had sexual intercourse than teens who don't drink. Teens who use drugs are five times more likely to have had sexual intercourse. (http://www.4parents.gov/sexrisky/index.html)

8. Tell your child that you love them and when you do use eye contact, give them a hug or pat on the back.

9. Give your child a pat on the back or a high five when talking or just playing around.

10. Show unconditional love when you tell your child that you love them. Don’t use the words “when you” or “each time” or “if you”. Let them know you love them all the time.

11. Take your child out on dates to spend quality time with them.

12. Make it a priority to visit your child’s school to view their work and talk to teachers. Attend a PTO/PTA meeting or sports event.

13. Learn the three levels your child receives information through communication:

Auditory – hearing; some children need to hear “I Love You”
Tactile – touching; some children need a hug or a pat on the shoulder
Visual – seeing; some children need to see your expressions, hand movements and body gestures.

14. Reinforce positive and productive behavior and praise that behavior.

15. Create family time for some event or activity; it just does not have to be dinner time.

16. Remember children make mistakes so we must be patient when we are teaching them. All children do not learn the same.

17. Don’t try to be cool or hip or down. Just be yourself.

18. Don’t argue with your children; you are the parent, the adult, not their equal or their peer.

19. Go to church and talk about their spirituality and beliefs.

20. Remember the apple does not fall far from the tree. Your son(s) are a biological copy of you and their mother. You will see your good and bad traits in your children.

William Jackson
william.jackson@ewc.edu
(c) Copyright William Jackson 2008.  All rights reserved.