Free Will
We blame our parents, our environment and the people we hang out with for making us the people we are today. But when we begin to take responsibility for our actions we will also begin to realize that what they did to us was nothing compared to what we've done to ourselves. When our child's mother asked us why we haven't come to see our child, some of us have told her how busy we were. But what were we so busy doing? We were getting high, becoming slaves to our profession, hanging out with our friends or spending time with some other woman. And the same applies to money. When our child?s mother asked us for money for our child, we told her how short on funds we were, and yet we had money for new clothes, drinks, drugs, cd?s, a tank of gas or to take some woman out. Matter of fact, one of the reasons we didn't see our children as often as we should have was because we knew their mother would ask for money.

In all honesty, the real reason some of us don't see our children as often as we should, is because we are exercising their free will. And the truth about free will is that it allows us to do what we want to do and it leaves no time for anything else. Therefore, the real reason we didn't go see our children or held back on the support was because we didn't want to, not because we didn't have the time or the money. It is our free will that determines the quality of our lives, how good a day we have, how much fun we have, how much love we share and what kind of father we are.

If You Make a Woman Pregnant, Is Marrying Her The Right Thing To Do?
Sometimes we get married for the wrong reasons, like sex, tired of living alone or because we have a child together. We often mistake these reasons for being in love but in reality it's a response to a need. We turn what could have been an affair of the heart into a transaction. In other words, we've agreed to make a deal; I give her what she wants and she gives me what I want. We aren't concerned with how we truly feel we are only concerned with what we want and want we think we need and under those conditions the marriage is on shaky ground from the state. Because we aren't in love, we?re in business. Sometime we get married because we feel we've found that special someone; but we must be careful because although special usually means something wonderful; it can also mean something different. When we consider a woman someone special we are giving her a title she may not be able to live up too and no matter how hard she tries, the time will come when she will no longer be who she is not and becomes who she really is; and it?s at this point that some of us begin to feel she doesn't love me anymore. However, the very essence of looking for someone special may not be love, but exploitation.

The Absent Father
The term Absent Father? seems to suggest the father has abandoned his family. However, although absence can be physical it can also be psychological and emotional. An absent father is not only a father, who is not at home, but also a father who is at home but psychologically and emotionally somewhere else. Fatherhood, by its very nature, requires love, caring, attention, spiritual and emotional availability. When we look at fatherhood through a microscope we can see that it is really a psychological and emotional relationship that stems from our contribution to our children's existence, because a fathers role is not as biologically necessary as their mothers. After all, fathers are not able to foster a fetus, give birth or nurse a hungry baby; therefore our commitment requires a little more effort on our part.

Fathers have always been physically absent from the home for long periods of time, as they pursued activities outside the home. At different times in history men have left home to hunt for food, commute to their place of work and spent years in the military. Fathers have been conditioned to focus more on the breadwinning role than their nurturing role, because men are lead to believe it?s manlier to seek fulfillment outside the home. But nothing could be further from the truth. By protecting and providing for our families we play the two essential roles that are necessary for a responsible father to play. Therefore, if the father?s absence results in gifts of inspiration, guidance, kindness and sacrifice; when he returns home his absence can be viewed as a benefit to the whole family.

Our society tends to emphasize being successful outside the home and all too often it's at the expense of care giving and the welfare of our children. Beyond physical absence there is a failure, by fathers, to bring home something of value other than a paycheck.But an absent father also means an absent husband and that can put a marriage in serious trouble. And if the marriage ends, the courts, in the name of financial security, reinforce the breadwinner's mentality and absence. In some cases the father is reduced to a sentry who walks the perimeter of the family circle.

One problem that some fathers have is that they have experienced an overdose of breadwinner's mentality and this overdose is also the reason why some of us have never told our children we love them. Fathers have been taught to honor and respect this mentality and in doing so, they've also created a fight mentality to go along with it. We fight to get a job, then we fight to keep it, we fight to get married, then we fight to stay married, we fight to get in shape and all this fighting leaves very little time for fathering. Fatherhood is not like rocket science, when the effort is made very simple questions get answered like what flavor ice cream your child likes best, do they prefer a kids meal from McDonalds over Burger King, who their favorite cartoon character is and what's their favorite toy. If you can't answer these questions you've got work to do.

Should Parent's, Who Are Considering Divorce, Stay Together For the Children?
In many divorces the couples are only thinking about themselves and by the time they take into account the affect the divorce will and has had on the children, it?s too late. Although the divorce represents a conclusion to the parents, it can represent an uncertain beginning for the children. They begin to wonder, what's going to happen to our family? Where will I live? How often will I see my father? Do I have to take sides against one of my parents? These are only some of the questions that children consider as they try to deal with the confusion that accompanies a family?s break up. Research tells us that when warring parents stay together their relationship only gets worse and somewhere down the line they get divorced anyway; and prior to that divorce, the children are forced to live in a war zone. I have heard people say parents should stay together for the children; but to have my parent's sacrifice their happiness at my expense would have not made me happy.

Some of the considerations facing parents getting divorced are: will the family have to move? After living on two incomes, what will we have to give up in going from two incomes to one? The very fact that so many people are leaving their marriage for such an uncertain future seems to suggest divorce is the only option. Besides, people who get divorced have spent years making it possible and staying in a loveless marriage can be far more damaging to the children, than getting a divorce.

What marriage promised and what it gave were two different things and when that happens feelings of loss, failure and confusion can become overwhelming. Divorce sets up circumstances that have a way of causing couples to forget who they are and what they are. Just because their marriage has ended their relationship hasn't, it's simply moved to another level. Parents are connected and the glue that connects them is their child. When the child goes to school, joins the military, enrolls in college, applies for a job, gets life insurance or does anything meaningful no one will ask them who their mother is married to or who she is sleeping with; but they will want to know their father name.

Some husbands and wives simply develop and/or grow in different directions and as their emotional needs change they begin to experience success or disappointment in other areas of their lives, and as a result, resentment builds, hostility develops and finally love is loss. Marriages at this stage opens the door to distrust and anger and the time comes when, if they don't have anything to argue or fight about they don't have anything to do. Whether or not a divorce can be perceived as a level of growth will depend on the couple's ability to put the pain of a failed marriage behind them and learn from what has happened. The only cure for what divorce brings, seems to be, respect for one another and communication between each other. They must make every effort to come away, from their marriage, with their integrity and self-respect intact if for no other reason then the children.

Society
When we go into a supermarket or drugstore we see magazine racks filled with images of mothers with their children and articles on how to be a good or better mother. On those same racks there are magazines directed towards men and 99% of them focus on cloths, cars, sports, sex and money. The message seems to be Men change oil not diapers. Even Father's Day cards rarely show images that pertain to being a father. We hear more about our financial responsibility than we do our nurturing responsibility and even though financially supporting our children is only a part of what we owe them, it is the part we are most blamed for and judged by. To correct this imbalance, mothers need to find room in their hearts to allow a relationship between fathers and their children and when they do fathers have got to live up to their responsibilities. Not being in our children's lives creates a million small losses, that may not seem like much to some of us, but when you add up their first step, first word, first tooth, learning to ride a bike, first day at school and the other stages of their development it equals a lot. So instead of trying to be in our children?s lives, some of us are trying to prove we are men and can tough it out. But you can?t tough something out without numbing it as well; and that can cause us to deny our feelings for our children. And when we deny our feelings for our children we are really killing a part of ourselves, because our children are caught behind the lines of a war we are having with ourselves. Some fathers have simply abandoned their children and when they did they reneged on the promise they made them by bringing them into this world.

The Relationship With Our Children's Mother
After accepting our responsibilities as a father, we must than reach out to our children's mother. To reach out successfully we must accept who we are and what we are to each other, and that?s Partners in parenthood. Reaching out to the mother will be a lot easier if we take the time to see and share her point of view about our relationship with our children. The burden of starting a new relationship with our children?s mother is up to us and that may seem unfair, but whether it's fair or not is irrelevant. And if we go into this relationship focusing on our problems with her we won?t get anywhere. She may have made mistakes in the past, but this meeting isn?t about her, it?s about our relationship with our children and that?s where our focus needs to stay. By focusing on her mistakes we make matters more difficult because it's our relationship with her that will determine the nature and amount of visits we will have with our children.

Our children should have parents who are committed to a basically healthy relationship, at least for the sake of the children because, unlike marriage, being parents is the real till death do us part. For us to enter into this new relationship with our children's mother we must take a good look at ourselves and it's during this look that we see we need to recognize and drop what it is about ourselves that we need to let go of or change. One of our major problems is that we are unwilling to change. We say we want a better relationship with our children and a smoother relationship with their mother; however, we want to remain as we are by keeping our same attitudes and same approach to being a father. And what makes matters worse is not only are we resistant to change but we get offended when it is suggested we make some changes in our self before this relationship can happen. The reason some of us feel this way is because we have come to the conclusion that the breakdown of our relationship was the result of what she did or didn?t do, what she didn't know and what she didn?t understand. This position may sound mature and like we are taking responsibility for our problems. But we are not, because our description of the problem puts all the blame on her and does not take into account the contribution we made.

Our Attitude
Our attitude is one of the things we have control over. Therefore we can decide, in advance, if we will enjoy something or not. In route to meeting with our children's mother we do so with the attitude that says, I've got to go meet this bitch and she's going to want money or me to do something I don't have the time to do. And with this attitude there's no way this meeting can be beneficial to us, her or our children because we've set this meeting up to fail long before we got there; so our attitude will determine our experience. Therefore, if we have an open mind and respectful attitude towards her there's a good chance good things will happen.

When we are around someone who is angry or pissed off we can feel it in the way they talk, look and act through the negative energy it creates. The recognition of this negative energy is especially evident in close and personal relationships and as parents our relationship is as close and as personal as it gets. There?s no doubt we can't make any one feel something just because we feel it. However when we feel good we open the door for her to feel good as well. Our children can also learn and understand the power of their attitude. It simply needs to be explained in the right way. But more importantly, it must be demonstrated as a way of life and in the life of their parents. Because we are much more than our children's teacher, we are also their primary example.

Email Kenneth Brown:
brown6207@bellsouth.net