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Emotional Needs
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were
getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to
heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the
planet dreads to hear...
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'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs
as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical
needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am
and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that
night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of
work to spend time with her. We went out to a
nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
unnamed department store. I walked around with
her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit.
We went onto the jewellery department where she
picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must
have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for
a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from
all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
dropped with a baffled “WHAT?'
I then said 'honey! I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just
when she had this look like she was going to kill
me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who
I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight...but at
least she knows I'm smarter than her.
Piss Happy
At a local bar this guy walks from the back of the bar and stands in front of the bar tender. After about a minute he asked the bartender for a glass. he then proceeds to place the glass on the floor about 10 feet away from where he was. The bartender looks at the man and said; "why'd you do that for?"
The man then says; I bet you $300.00 dollars that i can piss in that glass from where we are without spilling one single drop. The bartender looks at the man and says; "you mean to tell me that you're going to piss in that glass from where we are, way over there to the glass and you won't even spill a drop?" The man says; "that's right!" Alright said the bartender, you got a bet!...and he slams $300.00 dollars down on the counter.
Suddenly the man whips it out! He got it in his hand and he's staring at the glass and the bartender can hear the man talking to himself; penis glass, penis glass, penis glass, glass penis....when suddenly the man lets it go...Whooosh! piss is flying everywhere! he's pissing on the floor, on the bar stools, on the counter and even on the bartender.
When he stops the bar tender is standing there with piss running down his face laughing at the man. The bartender said; "Man you done pissed everywhere but in the darn glass!...Now gimme my money! The man said; "hold up a second.
he then walks to the back of the bar where he had come from and went to the pool table where 3 guys were playing. He then comes back to the bar, lays the $300.00 down an the counter and starts smiling. The bartender looks at the man and says; "Why are you so happy, you just lost $300.00 dollars. The man said, "I know, but you see those guys at the pool table? I bet them $500.00 dollars a piece that i could piss all over this place including on you and not only wouldn't you say anything about it but that you'd be happy about it too!
Presidential Stamp
The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side
When The Fight Started Jokes
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive, so I took her to a gas station, and then the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just
seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.
Grandma
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her
wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday
were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well,
but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning
off to the right, so some family members grabbed her,
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so
again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her
left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family
members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase
around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma
and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are
they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote
a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
Looking For Love
A very successful personals ad read:
"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Great Husband
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half of the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Getting Old
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking..surely I cannot look that old?
You may enjoy this short story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971, why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then the S.O.B. asked, "What did you teach?"
Ebonics Lesson
Today's Ebonic word from the Louisianna Public School System:
OMELETTE
Let's use it in a sentence...
"I should pop yo ***** fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
Skinny White Guy / Big Black Guy
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this BIG
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet
tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, "Turner Brown."
The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels
down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says," What's wrong with
you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left
testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner
Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said "Turn
Around."
One Woman's Trash
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"
The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not welldressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladasthat I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them."
"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . . . .
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of hereyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
Now This Is Comedy
There were a total of 15 passengers boarding a small plane on their way to Florida.
One black mother and her child were on their way to
visit relatives while the other passengers consisted of the KKK on their way to a convention.
The plane took off and after flying for approximately 12 minutes an announcement came over the intercom from the pilot saying: "We have overloaded this flight.
We are going to have to start throwing luggage out the window so the plane won't go down."
Two minutes later you could see luggage being thrown out the window. Five minutes after that, the pilot made a second announcement.
"We are still experiencing problems. We're sorry, but the plane is still overloaded and we're going to have to get rid of some of the weight so the plane won't go down."
"We're going to have to ask some passengers to jump out of the window when we call you by your name.
To make it fair, we'll go alphabetically. We'll start with A. Will all the African Americans please jump now?"
The black woman and her child continued to sit. The pilot came over the intercom system.
"Next is B. Will all the Black people please jump now"?
The Black woman and child continued to sit. The pilot came over the intercom system again.
"Next is C. Will all the colored people please jump now?
All the KKK was now staring at the mother and child. The black woman and child continued to sit.
The child then looked up at her momma and said: "Momma aren't we all of those?"
The mother then replied to! her daughter, "Baby, we ****** tonight and the K's come before the N's."
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