No Mexicans Please
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!" "On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."


Redneck Death
What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
Hey! Watch this...


Bubba Died in a Fire
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.


Q&A
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.


Bad Memory
One day a police officer saw a finely dressed brother in his 70’s sitting on a park bench crying profusely. The officer approached the man and asked, “Did you get mugged?” The old man look up at the officer, wiped his eyes and blew his nose then nodded ‘no’. The officer immediately said: “Did someone hit you?” The trembling old man said: “No”. Noticing that the officer really wanted to help, the old man told the officer to sit down, the officer sat.

The old man began his story: “About 4 months ago my wife of 40 years passed away, …” The anxious officer interrupted: “I’m so sorry, is that why you was crying?” The old man said: “Thanks, but no.”

Then continued his story: “A few weeks after the funeral I met a beautiful and well built 35 year old Nubian princess. We talked, dated, we enjoyed so much of one another … “ The officer interrupts again: “Did she take your money?” The old man held up one finger (to hush-up the officer) and said “No, No, in fact she was perfect, after a month of dating we got married and she moved in with me.

Feeling re-energized the old man continued his story: “Every morning she would fix me breakfast, then we would make love; every afternoon she would fix me lunch, then we would make love; and every evening she would fix me dinner, draw my bath, and we would make love … ” By this time the officer was really confused and irritated, so he interrupted again: “So if it was so good, why are you crying?”

The old man started to cry louder and harder, then said: “Because I forgot where I liveee!!.”

Contributed by Norwood_professionals@hotmail.com


I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny. None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then Little Johnny says, I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.


Pinocchio and Splinters
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?" "Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it. "Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your "Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"


Penguins Go to the Zoo
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."


Cowboy Joke
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE AHAVIN' TO DO WHAT I DONE BACK IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say, pardner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


11th Time The charm
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. How can that be if you've been married ten times?

Well Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


Drunk Driver
A policeman pulls over an elderly African American man for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the man to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

I can't do that, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.
Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.
Can't do that either, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.
Alright, we could get a blood sample.
Can't do that either, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.
Fine then, just walk this white line.
Can't do that either, officer.
Why not?
Because I'm drunk.


HOLE DIVE
One day Billy and Bob walk out of their trailer parks and both realize they have to take a shit. Luckily they have a two-seater outhouse and don't have to fight over who goes first. Suddenly, while shitting Billy yells out, "Damn! My quarter just slipped out my pocket and went down the damn hole."

Bob immediately replied, "Don't worry Billy…I'll get it for you." Bob stands up ready to jump down the hole but for some reason Billy tosses his mayo sandwich down in the hole too. Bob looks at him and says, "What the hell'd you do that for Billy?" Billy then replied, "Damn Bob. I can't let you go down there just for a quarter."


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