“Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.”
“It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death.”
I spent the day with my mom after the death of one of her childhood friends. In fact, all of her school friends were there. This was a man who I truly liked. Kind hearted and fun natured, he was a blast. It saddens me to no end knowing he is no longer with us.
During the course of the day, I discovered things were not as rosy as I imagined, in fact imagined was the correct word.
There were a few things that occurred between him, his grown children and his current wife. I am quite sensitive on this topic since the death of my husband. His family crawled out of the woodwork to demand things be done this way and that way – with my money.
His children, the same ones who never called or visited just had to have a place where they could “visit” their dad. As if that shit would ever happen. So I know the drama that occurs after the death of someone with grown ass children by someone else.
But here is the deal. I talked to my husband about what I would do after his death. He knew I did not believe in burials, his black ass would be cremated. Sure, he mentioned that “his” family believed in burial, but not on my dime or time. We discussed what would happen in the event of his passing. In the event of my passing, I just suggested he get the hell out of dodge before my children got a hold of him and physically removed him from our home. They disliked him that much.
This situation appeared to be much the same way. However, the husband never told his wife what he wanted, why he wanted it and how it would occur. He did share with his children. To the point of writing his own obituary which left both her children out.
Unnecessary heartache and drama at a time in which there is little energy to spare for bullshit. It was a bit much for me. Took me days to process and even then, I was still bitter.
A simple conversation would have gone a long, long way to clearing the air, setting expectations and even making changes to ensure no one felt left out or disrespected.
Death is not the time to get even or smack someone down. Death is the celebration of life, not matter how well or poorly that life was led. In grief, there is also the joy of knowing a loved one is no longer suffering or in pain. While this only applies to death from illness and not a sudden death, being open in communicating your wishes now is important.
I want my loved ones to know what I want, how I want it and why it is important to me. My children don’t want to hear a word about what to do after- as if it won’t eventually occur.
So, while I don’t think it will be tomorrow, I have a game plan to leave them and my other beloveds.
What I want is for my loved ones to grieve, not plan, decide, figure out, whatever. I can do that now – and they will appreciate it later.
Just a thought. If your married this is a topic of discussion for setting concrete expectations and plans. Death comes for each of us. Prepare. Don’t be caught unaware.
Michelle D. Smith
Michelle D. Smith is a visionary and spiritual warrior seeking to share awareness with many. She uses words as her sword and the love and grace of God as her shield. She has a spiritual blog in which to enlighten and uplift. She is a soon to be published author and a monthly relationship column on Black Refer.com. The different niches for each allow her to reach a variety of people to amuse, entertain and inspire.
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