VIDEOS RELATED TO BLACK/AFRICAN AMERICAN RELATIONSHIPS
Another View - African American
Male/Female Relationships
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Our Relationship?
Black Love Black Marriage
To Eat or Not to Eat
Ever wonder if he cares what you wear out or how polite you are to waiters? Shanda Freeman -- wife of Fatman Scoop and co-creator of MTV's Man and Wife -- gets candid about love, life, and relationships. Shanda's starring in HooplaHa.com's newest segment, What's He Really Thinking? Up first, the age old question -- To Eat or Not to Eat.
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WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO: Love and Relationships in the African-American Community
I’m writing to tell you about the new anthology WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO: Love and Relationships in the African-American Community (Agate Bolden, 978-1-932841-70-1, February 15, 2013), edited by Gil L. Robertson, IV. This new anthology explores the "marriage gap" in the black community—the low rates of marriage among African Americans compared to the national average. Essays by such notable figures as journalist Byron Pitts and sociologist Dr. R. L'Heureux Lewis-McCoy examine the legacy of this gap within the black community, from the relationship struggles between black men and women to the implications of a generation raised mostly in single-parent families.
The essays collected in the book provide thoughtful, varied opinions on the issues surrounding black love and relationships. Editor Gil L. Robertson IV is a veteran journalist and the editor of two previous anthologies on important topics facing the African-American community today.
ooOoo
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5 Secrets to Rekindling the Flame After an Affair
by dating columnist Ci Ci Foster
You never thought he’d do it and he vowed he never would, but it happened. Your man had an affair, and it is destroying your relationship. Whether your man physically or emotionally cheated one time or numerous times, the pain and mistrust you feel can be devastating. The man you once believed would never hurt you has betrayed you and now you fear you can never love him or want him like you did before the affair. Once you decide that your man is worth fighting for, there are a few ways you can ignite the passion and get the fires burning in the bedroom again.
1. Once a man cheats, many women start feeling bad about themselves or start feeling unsexy. Many women let themselves go after an affair because of anger/depression. Start doing the things you did in the beginning of your relationship such as dressing sexy and taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To get the passion back, you must feel confident and passionate about yourself first. The better you feel about you, the more your relationship will thrive.
2. Focus on the things you love about him, list them, and read them every day. Let’s face it. If you keep dwelling on your man indiscretions, your passion and love for him will wither and die. If you focus on why you got with him in the first place and focus on his lovable and sexy qualities, over time, you can rebuild the passion and love.
3. Avoid listening to sad love songs-Mary J. Blige and Jill Scott may be your favorite singers to jam to, but be careful not to get caught up in listening to sad songs about cheating or relationship break ups. This may affect your feelings for your man and may produce more anger as a result. If your intention is to recreate a passionate relationship with your man, listening to romantic songs or songs that promote love can help bring you and your man closer.
4. Limit conversations with your girlfriends or family members who bad talk your man.
Venting can be a good way to release your pain, but the more you talk about your man’s affair, you will cause yourself to relive the old pain and anger. Avoid this because passion cannot thrive in pain or anger. If you need to vent, write in a journal but don’t talk about or focus on your pain. As Iyanla Vanzant says, “What you focus on grows.”
If you continually focus on your pain, you will not get past it and the love and passion you want to experience will be absent in your relationship.
5. Get in touch with your spiritual side. An affair can wreak havoc on relationships even after years have gone by. In order to reconnect with your mate and heal the deep scars cheating can have on the heart, it can be beneficial to meditate or pray when the going gets tough. There will be times throughout your relationship where your man will do something that triggers the pain of the affair. During this time, calling on your higher power can give you the support you need to continue your relationship and help open your heart to love again. Ci Ci Foster is a relationship columnist and author of ‘Sunny Rain’. For more information, visit her website at www.CiCiFoster.com.
ooOoo
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Black Singles- Are You Living in Your Integrity?
The start of a New Year (2013) is a great time to appraise where you are and where you want to BE in a relationship. Are you still seeking another black single or have you entertained the idea of inter racial dating. If not, why not?
Ladies, black men have always exercised their option to date outside their race. Maybe, it is time for you to take a real look around and find out who is zooming in on you.
You may feel that you are not “attracted” to men of another race. Let me put this to you gently. As an adult, you should be open to investing in a relationship where what you desire and who you are really matter.
Inter racial dating requires work – at least the black female/other male kind. Even with an open minded man, you still have to deal with work, family, church, etc. Most women will leave their families, church and job if necessary to be with a man. Most men won’t and don’t. So, these relationships have to be handled in a responsible, adult way.
That being said, honesty is always appreciated. If you find a man of another race who is interested in you, at least keep the door open. Not to use as a toy or for what you want, but to take your time and find out more about this person- as a person.
My experience has taught me that a man who really wants and gets me is a powerful incentive to explore the option of a relationship. Not just wanting in a sexual way, but wanting to know me, my dreams, my hopes, fears etc. Getting to know me, the real me and hanging in there anyway. Isn’t that what you are seeking in any relationship?
If you are determined to only date a black man, please make this on your own terms. Black men have been spoiled by the abundance of women. There are plenty of really GREAT black men no doubt. To find yours, you need to be committed to holding your own self in the highest regard and integrity at all times. That expression of “would you do this if your mama could see you?” is especially true in the beginning stages of a relationship.
Do not give away your power here. Again, not to toy with another’s emotions, but know that you lay the groundwork in the first few weeks and months of a relationship for the entire relationship. It is in the first few months that little things start to “show up.” These can be quite small, late for a date, brief calls, and laxer hygiene (ugh). I don’t know if it is because we are older, but I do not remember my younger self having to deal with this much lack of attention to details!
Now is not the time to do things that are out of your integrity. Now is not the time to compromise your values. It may seem difficult, but the additional effort will determine
a) if you have a relationship b) what kind of relationship it will be.
Many control issues will surface almost as soon as you both decide to have a committed relationship. Personally, I feel this is where most women FOLD. Yup, just fold like an accordion.
Indeed, if you can control your need to rush things along, to be fearful that “another” woman will take him away, that you are not enough, you may find the relationship of your dreams. You are only in control of yourself. Trust you will never, ever be “in control” of another adult. It is not your job. It is not your responsibility. If you are looking for a child to control, you have no business even seeking a relationship. Both people have to be willing to accept each other as they are and want to be better people – growing together.
Quiet as it is kept; men appreciate women with integrity, honor and principles. It is so out of the norm that is becomes refreshingly different. And different is exactly what you should want to be. Why would someone be interested in a woman who is exactly like the last 20 he has dated? The answer is he would not. You may go out on dates, may enjoy a great sex life, but that man has very little other interest in what you, the real you has to offer. How could he when you have never shown him who the real you is?
So, Happy 2013 indeed! Please take the time to really think not just about what you want from a mate, but also what you- the special, amazing person that you are bring to the relationship.
That is what will attract the “who” you seek. Just you- and you are truly enough!
Be Blessed in your Search! Michelle D. Smith
Michelle D. Smith has several dating and relationship websites. Her relationship site is called Black Relationships for You. Her dating sites are Classy Black Singles and Single and Sexy Seniors. Relationships are the foundation of our lives. Let us treat each other as the treasures we are! Treat yourself as a treasure and others will respond accordingly!
Classy Black Singles
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How to Know if Your Booty Call is Boyfriend Material & How to Get Him to Commit
Have you been having hot, mind-blowing sex with a guy and have now began to catch feelings for him? Do you want to be more than just his booty call? Many single women find themselves in this situation. They hook up with a guy for quick sex and find themselves sprung and wanting more. Sex can be a powerful drug, and can cause many women to believe their bedmate is their soul mate. Before you start fantasizing about your sexy mandingo being your man, be sure that you are not blinded by the good sex you are having and start learning who the man really is to determine if you truly want more than what his ‘package’ offers.
Ci Ci Foster
1. Know what you are looking for in a potential mate. Write at least 10 of the most important qualities you want and need in a mate. Once you know what you want, you will know it when you see it.
2. Start going on dates and spending quality time together. The more time you spend outside of the bedroom, the more you will get to see the guy’s true character. If he cancels dates regularly, seems preoccupied, or does not give you attention or treat you well, you will know that he is not the one for you. (Extra tip: During this time, be sure to date other men so you won’t be so focused on him.)
2. Focus on his actions and your intuition-Many men looking for sex won’t devote time in dating you, or if they do, they won’t be consistent. You will know if he is boyfriend material by the way he treats you. He will be attentive and ask to take you out. He will not look at other women and you will get his undivided attention. Focus also on how you feel when you are with him. Listen to your heart, not your throbbing cookie! If you feel good around him and about him and his actions are consistent and sincere, he may be a keeper!
3. If you begin dating on a regular basis and you realize you like the man beyond his ‘package,’ be authentic. Express your true expectations and find out if he is open to being exclusive or just wants to keep hooking up. If there is no interest, know that you cannot change someone into who you want them to be. Accept the fact that he only wants sex and move on with someone who wants a relationship. No matter how good the sex is or how tight your goodies are, you cannot make a man commit to you.
4. If your lover is interested in becoming your man, continue to date him regularly, but don’t ask for a relationship too quickly. If you ask for a relationship too quickly, you will seem desperate and men like confidence, not neediness. Give the relationship time to blossom. Make sure you are communicating over the phone several times a week. Contrary to popular belief, texting does not make up for real dialogue! Make sure you are communicating over the phone a few times per week. This helps you and your man to connect and is the sign of a real relationship.
5. After a few months of dating, see where the relationship is going and re-establish new rules for your relationship. In order to move completely beyond being just a booty call, you must give your potential boyfriend new rules to follow to secure the relationship you desire. Tell him your expectations; what you will and won’t accept and make the commitment to the relationship. It is important that both people are on the same page and truly want to be in a relationship. I cannot stress this enough. If you find yourself doing the majority of the calling, texting, or are just getting lip service, it may mean your man isn’t truly committed to you. Have honest, open dialogue and if he doesn’t measure up, he was meant to be your booty call and not your man.
Ci Ci Foster is a relationship advice expert and the author of Sunny Rain, a sexy tale of love, lust and drama. Visit www.CiCiFoster.com for more information.
ooOoo
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Motion to Dismiss! Damn Chris, Now What!
Chris Brown can’t get a break. Bar fights, multi-million dollar lawsuits, police intervention! Why is it that Chris Brown can’t seem to shake the shadow of bad luck. Dr. D. Ivan Young, relationship expert and author of the book Break Up - Don’t Break Down, has some words he’d like to share with Chris Brown and anyone else who needs help dealing with a broken heart.
Dear Chris,
I’m writing you because I care. I can relate to where you are and what you’re going through right about now.
It’s difficult enough to be a celebrity, and now throw in being a young black man, the pressure quickly doubles. At best, it’s hard for anyone to fathom the stress & strain you experience from the constant media attention, the demands of your career, not to mention paparazzi being up in your business on a ‘day-in-day-out-basis.’
Dr. D. Ivan Young
Most people have no idea what it takes to be you. That’s the reason I’m writing you this letter. Here are a few things I want you to think about:
• Chris, do you know how important it is behave in public?
I know that seems like such an obvious question, but it’s not. Being a good self-monitor is a difficult chore. It doesn’t come naturally, nor does it come easy. However, given your position it’s a necessity. There are predators out there waiting to catch you slipping. If they do, it will cost you your reputation, and could cost you your career. You are a walking target for people who will take advantage of you and trigger a scene.
• Chris, is frustration getting the best of you?
Admit it! You have a serious anger problem. You need help man. The issue isn’t just your anger, it’s all about learning to control your triggers. Get a great relationships counselor and some really effective coaching. You’ve got a great deal of pressure on you. The key is admitting those pressures and dealing with them appropriately. Get help man!
• Chris, are you letting the past adversely affect your future?
Many of your problems in the last few years are connected to people from your past. Past friends and lovers, are just that - “PAST” friends and lovers. Leave people and situations that have proven detrimental alone. You are a handsome, intelligent, talented young man. Don’t limit yourself or what you are doing by embracing your past more than your future. Let your past go already.
Remaining connected to past problems seldom benefits one’s future. Something to think about - Both you and Riannah are beautiful, talented people. But, you’re probably better off being friends. Relationships that are based on passion can blow up when you least expect them to.
• Chris, America doesn’t care about you. So take care of yourself.
America loves a train wreck. If you do something wonderful, at best, maybe a couple of networks, or magazines will cover it.
But as you can see, when you screw up, you will make the national news faster than a crack head can smoke a rock.
It’s time for you to realize you don’t owe anyone anything. At the same time, you owe yourself something. You must start looking out for you.
No one is going to give you a break. As for the damned-if-you-do thing, it’s simply not true. You have the power to choose.
When you take control over your thoughts, actions and reactions, you become the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.
So make the right choice.
Keep your head up. I’m here for you. Sincerely, Dr. D
Fairy Tale endings are all too often burdened by harsh realities. Dr. D Ivan Young's fresh supportive, non-judgmental approach unveils core issues, resuscitates hopeless situations and ultimately breathes new life to restore happiness.
"It was not until I realized that things that I thought were sent to break me are the same tools that make me."
- Dr. D Ivan Young
BREAK UP, DON’T BREAK DOWN By D. Ivan Young List $24.95 Trade hardcover
ISBN 978-0-9665132-1-9 Reality-N-3D Publishing, Houston TX
Available in bookstores nationwide and online. For more information visit www.divanyoung.com
Break Up, Don’t Break Down is a roadmap for anyone who’s trapped by past anger, guilt and the pressures of a failed relationship. D. Ivan Young offers straight talk, tell it like it is language that anyone can understand. This book is a specialized tool designed to help set you free from your therapist, stop calling and worrying your friends, wipe the tears away and help you get on with the rest of your life.
ooOoo
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Single In America Study
Match.com released its second annual Single In America Study – which was commissioned in conjunction with America’s leading sex and relationship expert, Dr. Laura Berman and renowned biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, Chief Scientific Advisor for Match.com. The study is the largest and most comprehensive national study of American singles ever to be conducted and gives an in-depth look at how the over 107 million singles living in the United States are living their lives.
The results, which include the views of a representative sample of over 5,000 US singles, gives a specific look at the relationships between Sex and Politics, Gender Roles and Romantic Expectations - revealing many exciting discoveries. Highlights include:
SINGLES’ VOTING HABITS REFLECT THEIR VIEWS ON SEX AND LOVE
* Men fall in love just as often as women do and are more likely to experience love at first sight. By age 30, 30% of men and 21% of women have experienced love at first sight.
* PDA approved? Men are more likely to show their love and affection in public. 41% of men would be very comfortable kissing in public, versus 31% of women.
* Men are more willing to make a commitment without feeling sexually attracted to their partner. Men are significantly more likely than women to be willing to make a commitment to someone who has everything they are looking for in a partner, but whom they do not find sexually attractive.
* Men find loneliness just as stressful as women do. 31% of men and 33% of women report that they find loneliness to be “very stressful” or “somewhat stressful.” And men are more likely to report that loneliness is a challenging aspect of being single (27% of men and 22% of women).
* Men admire working women. Close to half (45%) of all men are turned off by a woman who “doesn’t care about her career.”
* When it comes to cohabitation, men want to commit sooner than women. Contrary to popular belief, when dating a new partner, 46% of men and 26% of women would expect to move in together before they’d been dating someone for less than a year.
* Men are far more concerned about their weight than their height. 55% of straight men and 63% of gay men are more concerned with their weight than their height (6% of straight men and 3% of gay men).
ADDITIONAL KEY FINDINGS INCLUDE:
* More singles met the last person they dated through an online dating site (21%) than anywhere else. Across all age groups, seven times as many singles met their last date online, compared to being set up by a relative.
* Aging and desperate? Think again. People over 60 are the ones who are most likely to insist on sexual attraction and romance in a partnership; moreover, they are more likely than any other age group to achieve orgasms — a thrilling 91-100% of the time!
* The economy is stressing out singles, but it’s NOT affecting their dating lives. While economy concerns rank as the number-one source of stress in singles’ lives, 60% say that it has not changed their dating habits. And over 40% of those surveyed would date someone who was unemployed if they were already interested in that person.
* Singles are seeking personal fulfillment, shedding age-old traditions in favor of deep biological imperatives — love. A smaller percentage of singles (11%) said they “must have” a partner from the same ethnic or religious background or who can give them marriage and children (23% and 26%, respectively). Instead, more singles are seeking someone whom they feel they can trust and confide in (93%).
* Gays and lesbians are attracted to the same qualities in a partner as heterosexuals. Gays and lesbians are equally likely to seek a partner with a similar level of education (29% of heterosexuals, 23% of gay men and 31% of lesbians); has a successful career (33% of heterosexuals, 30% of gays, 28% of lesbians); is physically attractive to them (73% of heterosexuals, 75% of gays, 70% of lesbians); has a sense of humor (83% of heterosexuals, 82% of gays, 89% and lesbians) and who is confident and self-assured (74% of heterosexuals, 73% of gays, and 73% of lesbians).
* Love can be sparked at any time. 33% of men and 43% of women have fallen in love with someone they didn’t initially find attractive.
About Match.com
Founded in 1995, Match.com was the original dating website and pioneer of the online dating industry. Throughout its sixteen year history, Match.com has been responsible for more dates, relationships and marriages than any other website. Today, Match.com operates leading subscription-based online dating sites in 25 countries, 8 languages and across five continents. Match.com is an operating business of IAC and is headquartered in Dallas, Texas. For more information, visit www.match.com.
ooOoo
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